Mon 2 Mar 2009
We had some requests at the Chicago Meeting to re-run this blog, which I have updated.
The Field Guide to Convention Wildlife
From years of attending dental industry conventions, Joe and I have compiled this handy field guide to the species frequently observed in that habitat. See if you recognize any of them:
- Doctorus obliviata (The Wondering Doctor) – usually spotted walking slowly in a serpentine pattern, gazing up, without any clue as to what he’s doing or where he’s going.
- Papyrus accumulata (The Literature Collector) – can be identified by its bulging bag of brochures, coupons, flyers, and catalogs, most of which will end up in a recycling bin at the end of the day.
- Pathus coagulatii (The Aisle Clogger) – generally seen stopped in the middle of an aisle, or even better, an intersection, engaged in a long and involved conversation, usually including hand gestures that jab passersby. This behavior is often preceded by a sudden stop, so as to force a collision with those walking behind.
- Wheelium rotatus (The Wheel Spinner) – a dentist, usually one netting $400k+, who will stand in line for 20 minutes to spin a wheel for a pack of gum.
- Baggus tripata (The Bag Dragger) – an individual who drags a wheeled suitcase around the show floor, while others trip over it. Particularly common during peak periods when traffic is most heavy.
- Bambino strollifera (The Stroller Pusher) – an increasingly endangered species due to new regulations at some shows. Can be found pushing a stroller containing a screaming child through the hall, accomplishing both to clog the aisles and inflict various injuries on those who collide with it.
- Baggus pendulumnus (The Tote Bag Swinger) – Closely related to Baggus tripata, this species can be distinguished by the pendulum-like motion of a full tote bag, which often results in clipping those walking in front precisely in the backs of the knees.
- Samplus grabbiosa (The Sample Grabber) – Most often recognized by the darting motions of its hands as it scoops samples off counters while walking by. Has excellent vision. If any boxes behind the counter are in their range of vision, they will most definitely inquire about its contents and ask to see what’s inside. Juveniles of the species are particularly prevalent.
- Phonus blatherus (The Cell Phone Yakker) – Easy to spot as this species is generally oblivious to its surroundings. May be stationary or transitory.
- Juvenilis non-babysitterus (The Child Dragger) – This species mistakenly anticipates that its young will enjoy attending a dental convention and when it becomes apparent that the juveniles are becoming unmanageable, they entertain them by encouraging them to test various pieces of dental equipment, particularly those that can be stained, misaligned, or broken.
- Exhibitus ripofferii (The equipment stealer) – Rarely sighted, but known by the disappearance of equipment and display materials from exhibit countertops. Much entertainment can be had by affixing clear fishing line to appealing items before placing them in tantalizing positions on the counter and attaching the other end to large rocks, load-bearing pillars, or the company president’s legs.
- Conventiana comantosa (The Worn-Out Conventioneer) – This often overlooked species can be recognized by its bloodshot eyes, zombie-like walk, and rumpled plumage. Having attended far too many meetings, and been at the Sirona party until the wee hours, this sad species can be seen passing through the hall in a hypnotic state.
- Dentista fullofhimselfus (The Dentist Blow-hard) – A predator species guaranteed to clear out any exhibit booth, this species perches in front of the exhibit and warbles loudly, primarily for his own amusement, for long stretches of time. Other species flee, allowing this species to rule the roost.